The traces of me that I leave behind

10 May 2024

I don't quite know what to make of blogging anonymously, particularly when it comes to keeping a personal blog—this act of writing such deeply personal entries and posting it on the internet for all to see. It feels liberating to bring these words out to light, and yet at the same time, worrying, should these traces I leave end up causing some kind of harm, especially when the internet now is nothing like how I recall it to be in my teens.

Those were the days when almost everyone had a blog, and you'd be asked by everyone to write a testimonial on their Friendster page. Though I didn't have either, I recall making friends online, chatting on IRC and MSN Messenger, participating in online forums, and playing Gunbound and MapleStory. The internet then, to me at least, was fun and safe, so unlike what it is today, where you have to be vigilant against copious scams and disinformation.

I remember reading the personal blogs of some people I knew, and I'd feel this sense of amazement that others could write things of such a personal and intimate nature for anyone to view, and what's more, attach their name to it! I often felt, when reading, that I was intruding into that person's private world, eavesdropping on conversations behind doorways and peeking into diaries locked up in a drawer.

Writing so openly online with one's identity revealed was something I wouldn't have dared to do, I would feel too embarrassed. And I still feel that way after all this time; I don't think I would want anyone I know in real life to read whatever I've written here thus far. Perhaps I have curated a certain image of myself in front of others, and I wouldn't feel comfortable allowing them to peek into this whole other world inside, brimming with memories, thoughts and emotions.

It feels all too vulnerable, to share these things that I can't tell anyone, because I don't feel that I would be truly understood, even by the ones closest to me. Yet, I find myself wanting to make these very memories, thoughts and emotions known and wanting my words to be read by someone, which is why I did not make this a private blog as I had done so once before.¹ It's like this world in my head and heart longs for a voice, and maybe I'm deluding myself here, but I think I feel heard and validated just by knowing that my words are seen and read by someone else, whoever that may be.

I still wonder, though nameless and faceless in this online sphere, if writing here might somehow land me in any sort of trouble. Although I have sought to be honest— after all, I am writing for myself, really—I still find myself being careful about the information I divulge. It is inevitable, when keeping a blog of this nature, to leek bits of detail, pieces of information, and leave a trail of evidence that forms a picture of me. I can only hope that the picture is never clear enough to be identifiable in any sort of way.

Am I just overthinking everything? I mean, I think it is unlikely that anything that I'm imagining would come to pass, and yet, it doesn't seem entirely impossible in this day and age. I don't suppose I'll come to a conclusion on this. But here I am, still choosing this freedom of expression, and leaving these traces of me, in wait for the someone that is you.

잘 부탁해. Please take care of me. Please look kindly upon me, even as you catch a glimpse into my inner world.