Navigating first times
I had a bout of anxiety last night as I lay in bed worrying about my first workday in two years. I was worried about my ability to do the job after such a long hiatus and had to make the concerted effort to take deep breaths to calm down so that I could actually get some sleep, which I thankfully did in the end.
This morning, I put on one of my better tops (an almost new red tee) in an attempt to make a good first impression and felt like I was almost following a Chinese New Year's tradition in giving myself a good start. As I did my hair, I wondered for a brief moment if I should try out different hairdos this time, then dismissed the idea almost immediately as I tied my hair up in a ponytail, the only way I wear my hair—this is as much as I am willing to do about it.
I was a bundle of nerves as I set off from home and passed the new school next door. They opened their doors today. And as I watched students walking through the school gates and teachers standing by, I found some solace in the knowledge that I was not the only one having a first day today.
The workday was alright. I was able to jump back into my role better than I expected, though I seemed to be monologuing a lot with the bunch of kids I've got—I literally asked and answered most of my questions. As I was buzzing with adrenaline today, I got antsy whenever there was a lull. I'm still sizing up my colleagues, though there were some things I observed that I wasn't too comfortable with. We'll see how it goes, I guess.
I clocked out almost on the dot. My goal this year is not to take work back home, and I hope to complete all that I need to during work hours. I stopped by the mall to get a handphone strap and found myself feeling like a teenage delinquent skipping school to hang out at the mall. It feels good to work for only half a day and feel that I still have time for a life after work.
Back home, I changed the sheets, did the laundry (only to find a forgotten load left inside, unsurprising of me) and folded the dry clothes and put them away. I was unusually motivated—is it the new year or the fact that I am taking a pay cut for these half days that compels me to make good use of my time? Whatever it is, I really hope to keep this up for the whole time this temporary arrangement is in place.
Later in the evening, I prepared for my son's first day at a new kindergarten, labelling items and ensuring that I packed all the required essentials. We laughed at the thought of what kind of impression his teachers would have of him—the new boy with the hand-me-down uniform, school bag and readers; the pencil box that's really a repurposed utensils box; the random colour pencils (from different sets) packed in a clear travel toothbrush case. (He has a proper set of colour pencils, but we're still waiting for our shipment to arrive, so this is the interim solution my mum helped to whip up.)
I think we're both growing in embracing a less consumeristic lifestyle—our time abroad has taught us that we don't miss or need a lot of the stuff that we have—and we've started to become a little more intentional in how we want to spend our money and more accepting of not-so-perfects, secondhand and used. I like our growth in this area and how we are learning to value what matters more.
I also like how our son is embracing this with open arms. I was frank with him that his school things were not new, and I talked to him about sustainability in terms he could understand. He tried out his new school uniform excitedly and carried his school bag around—it doesn't matter that they're old; all that matters is that they're purple!
It's been nice to see how excited he is about starting kindy tomorrow. All of a sudden, he's become so independent and mature. Tomorrow is another first day, and I hope that we will all continue to grow and mature as we journey life and all its firsts together.