Coming face to face with reality
"You should be careful of T. Because P listens to everything T says. And beware of P too. See how she has driven us all out?"
The words leave me with an uneasiness that lingers long after I leave the premises of the place that I will soon begin working at. What do I make of those few words uttered in hushed whispers by one of the rare colleagues left behind after the exodus, who also happens to be leaving soon?
I wasn't all pumped up about heading back to work to begin with. My internal state was more of a well-this-is-your-life-now-so-you-might-as-well-make-the-most-of-it, and it was with this mindset that I headed to my workplace. So after a round of greeting new faces and trying to be pleasant in the hopes of leaving a good first impression, it came as a rude awakening to hear that I should be treading carefully in my interactions. Did I say something that I shouldn't have? I suddenly second-guess my open and chatty demeanour that morning.
The honest feelings I have right now can be described in a single colloquial word, whose translation of bored, tired and sick of something does not do justice in this situation. What I really mean when I say that I feel this way is that this situation is kind of messed up, and please, can I just not have to think about it anymore?
Is my soon-to-begin work life going to be a painful and vexing one? Will I really have to keep a lid on my words and actions in the fear that anything I say and do can be used against me? Will I have to view everyone's actions through a lens of doubt and second-guess everyone's intentions? Because I'm really not that sort of a person, and that is not a way of living that I would willingly choose.
I know there's a chance that my colleague might be mistaken about things, and I'm still keeping my mind open to that possibility. Still, the damage is done and the seed of doubt planted—I can't unhear the words I heard—and now I'm just left wondering if things will work out for me.
This moment here has been only one of the many jarring moments I've experienced since my move back. Adjusting from winter cold to tropical sun and monsoon rain; suffering a week's worth of jet lag and runny nose; rummaging through my suitcase, smoothing out the wrinkles of a shirt and hoping it'll do; taking the wrong bus and losing my bearings; staring at the school that has towered up as I mourn the loss of the unblocked view I used to have from my living room window—the jarring moments hit me with a reality that I am unused to as I try to grapple with the sudden changes in the world around me.
Sometimes I feel a sudden wave of sadness when I think about W, the city that I left behind. I've never really raved about that city, and yet, I have somehow grown attached to it and to my life there. In the moments of sadness, I find I mourn the loss of a life that I had and a person that I was; I mourn the loss of a time that I cannot return to—a life that is forever gone.
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves: we must die to one life before we can enter into another!—Anatole France
Life has been throwing me these curveballs lately, and fyi, I'll still be trying the best that I can, but—
Oh life, won't you please go easy on me?